I’m Still Standing + Introduction to the Love Has Won Cult
I emerge from one year of silence ready to build my dream celebrity spaceship crew for the apocalypse
Hey!
Happy New Year, I guess?
Please excuse my long silence—it’s been forever. I was busy being depressed, drowning in debt and growing gallstones. Gallstones! Me! Can you believe it?! It took over a year of excruciating stomachaches and fluorescent projectile vomit, but they finally figured out that my guts are full of gravel. Yay!
But soon this will all be but a bad memory. As of next week, I will be gallstone (and gallbladder) free. I might also be dead.
Seriously! There’s a 1% probability that I will die on the operating table.
Now, that’s a 1% you don’t want to be in, am I right? huhuhuhu
If I don’t make it, please know that it was a pleasure to entertain you in 2023 and 2024! I hope you enjoy this final article—it’s a good one!1
Enough Chitchat
I have a short list of weird facts and historical events and stuff that I’d like to write about eventually. Like I’ve really been into popes and poop recently. Go figure. But it’s been a while since my last article. I’m stupid and out of practice, so why not do something different this time? Let’s go nuts!!! 🤪🤪
Love Has Won
Did you see the 2023 HBO docuseries Love Has Won about the cult of the same name? It’s wild. I don’t remember every detail, but let me try to explain to the best of my capacity and sobriety (I had a little bit of wino).
Love Has Won2 was a cult that started around 2005 and dissolved shortly after its leader, Amy Carlson, passed a few years ago.
Amy went by the humble name of Mother God, and she had quite the resume. An ambitious McDonald’s manager from Texas, she had an epiphany during an ecstasy trip and found out that she was a big fucking deal, etherically speaking: she was God (!) and had created the world billions of years ago. She was also the reincarnation of Jesus, Cleopatra, Marilyn Monroe and a bunch of other important people. Her mission in this life (her 534th) was simple: share her teachings with the world and lead 144,000 people into the 5th dimension, whatever that means.
For most of the cult’s duration, she lived in a cabin in Colorado with 10–20 followers who drank her words like the booze she was so fond of. It’s not a lot of followers compared to other famous gurus, but still quite a feat for an alcoholic and addict who ingested so much colloidal silver3 that her skin turned blue.
Amy spent a lot of time passed out in bed. In order to keep the trust of her followers despite her substance use and narcoleptic tendencies, she convinced them that, when she appeared unconscious, she was actually having an out-of-body experience and spending quality time with archangels and spirit guides. See, Amy had the power to commute with the ghosts of celebrities. She even had a direct line to Robin Williams!
Robin was Amy’s main ambassador, a top member of what she called the Galactic A-Team. As you can see in the collage photographed below, the A-Team was an eclectic group of dead celebs and historical figures called “Galactics” who acted as spiritual guides and would eventually pick her up in a spaceship when it was time to “ascend.” The team included Patrick Swayze, 2Pac, Chris Farley, Christopher Reeve, Bob Marley and Kermit the Frog. John Lennon was the pilot because why not.
Love Has Won’s belief system is murky. It’s a melting pot of conspiracy theories (think reptilians, QANon, 9/11 hoax) sprinkled with a hefty dose of New Age bullshit and antisemitism. The cult supported itself by raising donations during live streams (they were filming all the fucking time), offering services such as “etheric surgery” and selling colloidal silver and homemade supplements online.
Amy’s followers kept records of everything she did, even counting her sneezes and describing the content of her meals. Like most people with an eating disorder, food was an obsession. The Galactics even weighed in on everything she ate. They would get really pissed if her followers served her something different from what was planned. One unforgettable scene in the doc has Amy yelling, “ROBIN WILLIAMS IS DISGUSTED!” after being presented with “the worst quesadilla in all of creation.”
Amy had a lot of lovers whom she called fathers. All these men she dropped like a hot turd the minute she met a lousy methhead with anger issues named Jason who married her and became Father God, Love Has Won’s daddy in chief. Jason was a dick. A participant in the documentary even calls him “the lowest masculine energy you’ve ever seen on the planet, all in one vessel.” He was a total douche, but he loved Amy. It was he who, upon the instructions of Robin Williams, took her to Oregon when, as the autopsy record puts it, she was dying of “global decline in the setting of alcohol abuse, anorexia, and chronic colloidal silver ingestion.” And he was by her side when she died in their hotel room.
Was she really dead, though? Jason and the other cult members swear that her three hearts were still beating. She also was, supposedly, still drinking water, emitting intense levels of electromagnetic energy, and even photobombing pictures (what? what does this even mean??). They put the body in the car and drove it back to Colorado. It was found in her bedroom by authorities weeks later, wrapped in Christmas lights and with her face covered with glitter—like Twilight!
Anyway. With Amy out of the picture, the cult dwindled and split into other groups that no one gives a shit about. Well not me, at least. But if you read anything interesting about them, let me know!
Coming Up: My Galactic A-Team
You know the whole story now! If your brain works like mine, Amy’s Galactic A-Team probably caught your attention. What a concept. Like any normal adjusted human being, I’ve been thinking about my own dream team for months, and I’m finally ready to reveal it to the world.
But not yet. Next week, if I survive gallbladder surgery. Will I live? Will I die? Use the comment section to bet real money on my chance to survive cholecystectomy!!4
This is likely not my last newsletter.
Terrible name for a cult if you ask me
Colloidal silver is the precious metal equivalent of snake oil and other cure-alls. It’s not proven to do anything but also not dangerous unless you take loads of it. Longterm use will turn your skin, eyes, organs, nails and gums blue (see Amy or this shockingly blue man for proof).
Don’t.